Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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