well I can't set my house on fire every night
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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