It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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