i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
