i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
