Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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