He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
