we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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