totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
