whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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