Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
