I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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