I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
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It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
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I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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