make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
