The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
