sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
