Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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