I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
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Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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