five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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