I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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