I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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