OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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