Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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