I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
