drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
