I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
