Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
