You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
