Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Drunk is not a location!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
