Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize