I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize