sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Randomize
