I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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