you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
