it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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