my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
