Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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