I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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