i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
