I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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