My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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