I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
