i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
