wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
