I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
the liver wants what the liver wants
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
