he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can't put those talents on a resume
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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