I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
