The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
