Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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