My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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