I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
