guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
