wakey wakey hands off snakey
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
