sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
