If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
