Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
